Employee Party Notice

December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be
lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel
free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up
dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts
among
employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over
$10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that
often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year).
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy
Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate
this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads,
"AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore.

In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-- no gifts will be
allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director

December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit
with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a
flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?
Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director

December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting
our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does
happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man
in
a red suit."
Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces

December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this
party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just
sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and
you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you
know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've
heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha! I hope you all have a
rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell

December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a
speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to
forward your cards to her at the sanitarium.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party
and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy
Holidays!

Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director

Ya'll come back now, ya here...