|
|
Home |
Photography |
Comedy |
Music |
Wisdom |
Other |
|
|
[The story behind this...Apparently, there is a guy who digs things out of
his back yard and sends his "discoveries" to the Smithsonian Institute,
labeling them with scientific names and insisting they are actual
archeological finds. The studioarre truth is this guy really exists and
does this in his spare time! Anyway, what follows is a letter from the
Smithsonian Institute in response to his submission of a recently discovered
specimen.]
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer
seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this
specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that
we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the
presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago."
Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll,
of the
variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu
Barbie".
It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the
analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us
who are
familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to
contradiction
with your findings.
However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of
the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically
fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters,
well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with
the common domesticated canine (dog) than it is with the "ravenous
man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that
time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing
hypotheses you
have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems
to weigh rather heavily against it.
Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the
heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to
carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record.
To the best
of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon
dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National
Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your
specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking
personally, I, for one,fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your
proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name
you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating
specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is,
nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you
seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director
has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the
specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire
staff
speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the
site you have discovered in your back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you
proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director
to pay for it.
We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories
surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a
structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex
femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm
Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities
|
|
|
|
|
Original Content Copyright © 1995-. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part in any form or medium without express written permission is prohibited.
|
|
|
|
|
Ya'll come back now, ya here...
|
|
|
|