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"You read about all these terrorists, most of them came
here legally, but they
hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as
10-15 years. Now,
compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with
a video and these people
are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of
immigration."
-- Jay Leno
"What we know about Osama bin Laden is this-he's worth
$300 million, he has five
wives and 26 kids ... and he hates Americans for
their 'excessive' lifestyle."
-- David Letterman
"The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin
Laden won't solve the
problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt."
-- Jay Leno
"More and more details coming out now about spoiled rich
kid Osama bin Laden.
Time reports this week he was one of 52 kids. Mother
must be exhausted. This
guy inherited $80 million at age 13 and has since
expanded it to $300 million
through construction, smart investments and gas and oil
investments. This way, he can use the money in his war
against capitalism."
-- Jay Leno
"More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden.
You know, he never
sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just like
Clinton."
-- Jay Leno
"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth
$300M. I have three words for
this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there,
she'll get his money,
he'll be dead in a week."
-- Jay Leno
"It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50
brothers and sisters. Which
absolutely shocked me because I had no idea he was
Catholic"
-- Conan O'Brien
"One of the Taliban spokesmen said they have thousands
of men who look forward
to death like Americans look forward to living, which is
great because we can
arrange that. We'll set them up with death, we'll
continue living."
-- Jay Leno
"CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As
usual, we're number three."
-- David Letterman
"Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to
be people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope
full of white powder."
-- Jay Leno
"I don't mean to harp on this, but it's like the
networks are a how-to manual
for terrorists. You see them on the news. This
reporter is standing outside a
water treatment plant, going, 'If they poured the poison
here it could wipe out
thousands because the guard is off duty from noon until
1 every day!'"
-- Jay Leno
"Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that
Publishers
Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent
that could be mistaken for
anthrax. Oh, good timing! What genius came up with
this promotion? What's
next? A ticking alarm clock? Let's put that in a box."
-- Jay Leno
"The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any
letters or packages that have
badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be
terrible news for the rap
industry."
-- Jay Leno
"In Pakistan anti-American protesters set a Kentucky
Fried Chicken restaurant on fire. The protesters
mistakenly thought they were attacking high-ranking U.S.
military official Colonel Sanders."
-- Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update
"Tomorrow night on NBC a very special episode of West
Wing, it makes a direct
reference to what happened in New York City. The exact
plot is being kept top
secret. We are the only country in the world where we
put our battle plans on
CNN, but the plots to our TV shows are top secret."
-- Jay Leno
"Pakistan's ruler Pervez Musharraf predicted the Taliban
will fall for hiding
Osama bin Laden. Ex-king Zahir Shah is standing by to
replace Mullah Mohammed
Omar. And the most ominous sign of all, President Bush
has learned all their
names."
-- Comedian Argus Hamilton
"There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go
over there to talk with
the Taliban; apparently they were having trouble rhyming
the word Jihad."
-- Jay Leno
"Now this really annoys me: All these people getting on
the Internet and saying Nostradamus predicted this. If
Nostradamus were alive today his name would be
Miss Cleo and he'd be charging $2.99 a minute."
-- Jay Leno
"U.S. Government has said they are now going to go
after the terrorist's
electronic banking system. You know what they should
do? They should transfer
bin Laden's funds to my bank. They'd mess up his
deposits, screw up his
statement and nickel and dime him to death with service
charges."
-- Jay Leno
"People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the
airport, but let's be
honest. If you first name is Mohammed, and your last
name isn't Ali, arrive at
the airport extra early."
-- Jay Leno
"Everybody is talking about finding bin Laden. How about
finding Dick Cheney?
Where did he go? What, have we got caves over here now,
too? Where did he go? I
think his Secret Service code name is 'Waldo.'"
-- Jay Leno
"Eleven members of the Washington Redskins Monday were
exposed to a mysterious
white powder they had never seen before: The end zone."
-- Jay Leno
"President Bush has urged people to get back to normal
and today Congress
announced that they are accepting bribes again."
-- Jay Leno
The Canadian Prime Minister said Canada would lend the
U.S. its full military
support. You know what that means: Both tanks."
-- Jay Leno
"President Bush's popularity is at 90 percent, the
highest popularity ever... if
President Bush ran for president today he could actually
be elected."
-- Jay Leno
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