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A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please
read the following carefully.
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will
no longer be able to serve Southern United States on
Christmas Eve. Due to the current, overwhelming population
of Earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American
Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas
of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part
of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks
for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I'm
certain that your children will be in good hands with your
local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba
Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He
shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and
girls; however, there are a few differences between us:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents
from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and
a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by
Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that
children leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie)
on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He
dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit
can handy.
3. Bubba Claus's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying
coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of
loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and
Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and
Blitzen . . . " when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll
hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte.
On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you
are also likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I
her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus's
sleigh has a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back
with the words "Back Off." The last I heard, the sleigh
also had other decorations on back as well. One is Ford
logo with lights that race through the letters, and the
other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee
on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on
34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be
shown in your viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss
Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV"
featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of
state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd
make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other
way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about
me, like "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and Bing
Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year,
songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM
radio stations in the South. Those song titles will
include Mark Chestnut's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox,"
and "Grandma Got Run'd Over By a Reindeer."
Sincerely,
Santa Claus
(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
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