Tour Rats

With the solstice fast approaching, the group mind of the groove-infected masses turns to summer tours and festivals. Butterflies set in as we anticipate a season of music like it's meant to be - under the sun and stars - and jams as deep as the days are long.

Among other joys, I've found that summer can be the ideal time to initiate neophytes, to bring friends into the fold for their first bout of boogie fever. In the end, even if they don't go bananas for the music, at least they're guaranteed a memorable people- watching experience, and they don't have to be cooped up in a smoke-drenched hockey dump for three hours in the process.

But let the traveler beware. For beyond the soft squish of wet grass beneath bare feet and the wafting coconut essence of SPF8 lies an untamed wilderness of great peril, where no newbie is safe.

The undisputed king of that sweaty, fetid jungle is a beast so savage, so foul, that no man should be called on to face him unprepared. He is phatti microbus - also known as the Common Tour Rat. Phatti microbus is indigenous to all of North America, and constantly migratory. Both the male and female of the species can be quickly identified by four distinguishing characteristics:

(1) Imperviousness to heat.

The Common Tour Rat sports several layers of wool garments on the most unforgiving August scorcher, often including a knit cap for his head (see "Bomb-Ass Dreads" below). But what homo sapiens might consider a recipe for heatstroke is, for phatti microbus, a matter of survival. Specifically, in tracing the evolution of the Tour Rat species, zoologists have determined that this mutation allows them to compensate for their natural tendency to forget "which pocket they put their shit in."

(2) Natural camouflage.

Especially in clement weather, the Tour Rat must stay alert for the presence of his only predator - the common Lot Pig. In the wild, chance meetings with gendarmia zealus rarely end in the Tour Rat's favor, despite his perplexing tendency to bait the Lot Pig much like an outmatched hyena taunts a mother lion.

To avoid such encounters, the Tour Rat uses his dusty, arid environs to conceal himself, often rolling in filth until a palpable, impenetrable film has accumulated on his hide, rendering him nearly invisible in the human underbrush of a Shakedown Street. In an adaptive twist that would probably make Darwin smile, the density of this camouflage has become a measure of distinction in the phatti microbus hierarchy - a badge of dominance that seems to provide some sort of mating advantage.

(3) Bomb-ass dreads.

This is perhaps the single-most important factor in determining the Tour Rat hierarchy. Much as a redwood's history can be explored by examining the rings in a cross-section of its trunk, so can a Tour Rat's travels be interpolated from a close examination of its mane. In one study, scientists observing these migratory patterns tagged 30 phatti microbus subjects at the Virginia Beach Phish show in early July of 1997, and tracked them via radio transmitter through the Maine "Great Went" shows in mid-August. The observers carefully harvested kind, crunchy dreads from the subjects while they slept, logged their contents, and returned them to their owners' hair-nests before they awoke. The Velcro-like mop of one subject (a 19-year old white male from Grosse Pointe, Michigan, who called himself "MC Hype") was found to contain an empty bottle of pale ale, six glass pipes, a hemp brazier, two pairs of patchwork pants, a five-gram lump of Afghani hashish, a skateboard wheel, and a crispy soundboard from the Warfield, circa 1992.

While it should be said that most Tour Rats think "Jah" is a Chinese parlor game, bomb-ass dreads are part of a larger phenomenon in the Tour Rat community known as "urban-absorption." When observing phatti microbus in his natural habitat, one will note gestures approximating gang signs, obscure references to "crews" and "posses," and the occasional bleating cry, "WU TANG! WU TANG!" The origin and function of urban-absorption in the Common Tour Rat continues to baffle experts.

(4) Sophisticated system of taxation.

Phatti microbus can often be observed with hands (or other vessels) outstretched, muttering strange, polysyllabic sounds that vaguely resemble English speech. Examples of these sounds, as transcribed by Phatti etymologists, are "AY-bruthah shpara zchwill" and "shparesum shange ferra KINEbro." Experts believe that these phrases are actually primitive demands for beer and money; the two things a Tour Rat never, ever carries. If denied, particularly by someone outside the species, the Tour Rat will often employ the nasal twang "deeewwwwwwd," or the cryptic phrase, "cmon needjer phatti kikdown." If still unsatisfied, the taunting may intensify; especially vicious sub-species have been known to expectorate on delinquent passers-by.

If you encounter a Tour Rat in the wild, do not panic. Phatti microbus can smell fear (although experts remain puzzled as to why they don't seem to be able to smell themselves). Also, do not attempt to communicate verbally. Your speech patterns, as intelligible English, will be immediately interpreted as hostile and Babylonian. Instead, squint, grin, nod, and move on. If you fear that the Rat is sizing you up for attack, begin to drool and mumble incoherently. This will appear familiar, and his momentary confusion should give you ample time to achieve safe distance. As a last resort, the prepared lot explorer may wield the Tour Rat equivalent of kryptonite - a bar of Ivory Soap. Note, however, that no one should ever brandish cleaning products unless prepared to use them.

The uninitiated are also well-advised to avoid schoepsi schoepsi maxellus, more widely known as the Common Taper Geek. Taper Geeks usually travel without female companions (as few seem able to psychologically withstand more than several hours of encoded, numerical speech) but converge almost mystically to erect a small forest of aluminum polls once their destination is reached.

Once his forest territory has been marked, it is considered unadvisable to approach the Taper Geek, although few of them are equipped for any sort of physical confrontation. One can readily identify schoepsi maxellus by its clenched jaw and sphincter, which tightens exponentially as the 8 p.m. hour approaches. Other distinguishing traits include thick spectacles, Docker slacks and fanny packs; if concealed in the brush, schoepsi maxellus makes its presence known by its unmistakable mating call: "Shhhhhhhh."

Ya'll come back now, ya here...